Bullethead, Bleskop, Mpandlana, Snowtop, Samora Machel . . . .. People have many names for bald people like me. But, as my grandmother always used to say, only the jealous call you names. After all, God only made so many perfect heads – the rest he covered with hair.
Nobody really knows why us perfect heads lose our grass on top. Some people say you lose your hair if a calf licks you on the head when you are still young. Other people say you lose your hair if God touches you on the head with his finger. Maybe.
But let me tell you a much easier way. Just join Learn and Teach. And before you can say “Bald is Beautiful”, you will be one of us.
If you don’t believe me, come and have a look for yourself. But if you don’t have a perfect head, pull your hat tight over your ears. And try not to breathe in the air.
Let’s start at the top with the president of the Perfect Heads Association. People call him Mr Hot Seat. He is the president because he has the most perfect of perfect heads.
Old Mr Hot Seat has a bit of a problem. His wife thinks he looks better and younger if he also has no beard and nothing on the side of his head. So don’t visit our president after eight o’clock in the evening. He will be fast asleep. He needs to get up early – so he can shave from one side of his head to the other.
And then we have the artists, Mohau and Stephen. They are still junior members of the club – not because they have much left on top, but because they still aren’t used to the idea. They still try to hide it. They will try all types of tricks. For example, Mohau tries to make people remember his feet instead of his head. He often doesn’t wear socks.
And Stephen and his dog Bozo share a little something each evening – a Bob Martins dog tablet. Bozo has a nice shiny coat and Stephen thinks he has the same. But let me give you a warning.
Don’t stand too close to Stephen. He may think you are a tree.
And then we have the writers on the magazine. Two are loyal and senior members. First, we have the one we lovingly call “the little ox”. He is very special. I bet you’ve never seen a bald ox before! (Maybe too many calves licked him when he was young.)
An then we have the one we call The Shark. He has plenty of hair – except on his head. Ever seen a bald, hairy shark?
The third writer is not yet a member of the Perfect Heads Association. And he laughs when we tell him about the dangers of breathing Learn and Teach air. I wonder if his good friend Brenda knows about this?
And so to our motto: “BALD IS BEAUTIFUL”. If you don’t believe it, come and have a look for yourself. But don’t forget to come early. There’s always a queue.